Self-sabotage:the passive aggressive war against yourself
At its core, self-sabotage is a passive-aggressive stance against our own success. It’s sneaky because most of us aren’t actively trying to ruin our own progress. No one wakes up thinking, Yep, I’m going to sabotage myself today!
Instead, it shows up in subtle ways:
Hitting the snooze button one too many times.
Procrastinating on that important task.
Overcommitting to things that don’t matter.
Avoiding difficult but necessary conversations.
Setting unrealistic goals, then beating ourselves up when we don’t reach them.
These small behaviors, over time, create a cycle that keeps us from moving forward. And often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
The Root of Self-Sabotage: Fear
One major source of self-sabotage is irrational fear—often formed from past experiences. These fears can manifest in different ways:
1. Fear of Being Seen
When I was younger, I was bullied for my appearance. Because of this, I developed a deep fear of being seen and judged. As I grew older, this fear followed me into adulthood. It showed up when I hesitated to put myself out there—whether it was speaking in public, sharing my work, or even starting a business.
If you’ve ever held back from pursuing something because you feared rejection, criticism, or judgment, this fear might be at play in your life too.
2. Fear of Success
This might sound counterintuitive—why would anyone be afraid of success? But for many of us, success comes with new pressures:
More responsibility.
Higher expectations.
A fear of losing relationships as we grow.
For a long time, I resisted building my business because I felt overwhelmed by the thought of adding one more thing to my already full plate. If you’ve ever felt like success would demand more from you than you’re ready to give, you’re not alone.
3. Fear of Failure
This is one of the most common fears. We don’t want to look foolish, make mistakes, or prove our self-doubts right. As a result, we hesitate, overthink, and delay taking action. We convince ourselves we need more time, more planning, more perfection—when really, we’re just scared to fail.
Self-Sabotage vs. Coping Mechanisms
Self-sabotage is often a coping mechanism. And while coping mechanisms can provide temporary relief, they aren’t real solutions.
A few ways people cope instead of taking action:
Overthinking: Planning, analyzing, and researching instead of doing.
Indecision: Constantly questioning yourself and undoing decisions.
Perfectionism: Waiting for the “perfect” time, which never comes.
Comparison: Measuring yourself against others and feeling inadequate.
Excuse Engineering: Creating detailed reasons why something can’t happen instead of making it happen.
Coping mechanisms make us feel like we’re being productive, but they actually keep us stuck. The only real solution? Taking action, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage
So how do we stop sabotaging ourselves and start making real progress? Here are a few strategies:
1. Identify the Root Fear
If you find yourself holding back, ask yourself:
What am I really afraid of?
Where did this fear come from?
Is this fear based on fact, or is it just a story I’ve told myself?
Understanding the real fear behind your actions is the first step to overcoming it.
2. Reframe the Narrative
Once you’ve identified the fear, try to shift your perspective. Instead of thinking:
“I’m not good enough.” → Try: “I’m still learning, and that’s okay.”
“I don’t want to be seen.” → Try: “My voice matters, and someone needs to hear it.”
“What if I fail?” → Try: “Failure is feedback, not a dead end.”
3. Focus on Small, Consistent Actions
Fear thrives in inaction. The longer we wait, the bigger our fears grow. Instead of overthinking, make a small move:
Write the first page.
Post the content.
Send the email.
Make the decision.
Even tiny actions build momentum, and momentum builds confidence.
4. Shift from Coping to Solving
The next time you catch yourself procrastinating or overthinking, ask:
Am I solving the problem, or am I just coping?
Is this action moving me forward, or just keeping me busy?
If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do?
Awareness is key. Once you recognize self-sabotage, you can start making different choices.
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage is sneaky, but once you see it for what it is, you take back your power. Your goals, dreams, and purpose deserve to be pursued—without fear standing in your way.
What’s one fear you’re ready to confront? Let me know in the comments, and let’s keep growing together.